Immortals Play Trivial Pursuit
by Larabeelady
Summary: The title pretty much says it all. Some naughty language.


The questions given here all come from the game "Trivial Pursuit", which is owned and registered by Horn Abbott Ltd. Any immortal's difference of opinion are *not* based on fact, and in no way reflect historical accuracy.

The characters are all owned by Rysher:Panzer-Davis, and will be returned unharmed (although Methos may be a bit late and the worse for wear, but he's immortal, so he'll heal) I am making no money off this, it's just for fun. Please send any feedback or comments you care to make.

Immortals Play Trivial Pursuit

by Andi Charleville

Joe Dawson was just moving the last chair around the table when he heard a knock at his apartment door. Opening it up, he smiled at the four people waiting on the other side.

Joe-"Hey, guys. C'mon in."

Duncan-"Evening, Joe. I brought the game."

Joe-"Go ahead and set it up on the table, Mac. Methos, the beer goes in the fridge, the bottlecaps go in the garbage can. Richie, let me take those bags."

Richie-"I've got them. Where do you want me to put them?"

Joe-"In the kitchen. Get a couple of bowls from that cupboard, and we'll fill them up with the chips and pretzels."

Methos-(taking a swig from his beer bottle) "Aahh, I needed that. What does everyone else want to drink?" There was a chorus for "beer" from Duncan, Joe and Richie.

Amanda-"Be a dear, Methos, and pour me a glass of wine, please."

Methos- "Gotcha. Three beers, and wine for the lady."

Once they all had their drinks, they took the snacks out to the table, where Duncan had finished setting up the game. Everyone chose their colors and rolled to see who would go first. Amanda won. Rolling the dice, she moved her gamepiece the appropriate number of spaces.

Richie-"All right. 'Who is the victim in the game of CLUE?'"

Amanda-"Mr. Body, of course." (rolls the dice) "Hmm. Let's go for Science and Nature this time."

Richie-(snorting with laughter as he reads the question) "'What is triskaidekaphobia?'"

Amanda-(thinking she heard wrong) "Excuse me? Triskawhata?"

Richie-"Triskaidekaphobia."

Amanda-"Umm...Triska...whatever you call it is...ahh...umm."

Methos-(holding his hand out, palm up) "Answer or give me the dice, Amanda."

Amanda-"Oh, here. How am I supposed to know what it is? I'm not even sure how to spell it."

Richie-"T-R-I-S..."

Amanda-"Never mind. Just tell me what the answer was."

Richie-"Fear of the number thirteen."

Amanda-"Let me see that card." (She grabs the card out of Richie's hand, and turns it over to read the answer) "I can't believe they actually had to come up with a word for that."

Methos-"Quit complaining, Amanda, and read my question. I landed on Science and Nature."

Amanda-(reads the question silently, then rolls her eyes) "It figures you'd get this one. 'What oath begins with 'I swear by Apollo, the physician...'"

Methos-(smiles and takes a drink of his beer) "The Hippocratic Oath."

Duncan-"How many times have you taken that particular oath, Methos?"

Methos-(thinking for a moment) "Five, no...four times. I can't count my time as a doctor in Africa. The only oath I had to take there was to promise not to cast the chief into a pit of demons. Now, where was I? Oh, yes, History. Amanda, if you please."

Amanda-"'What battle was a horse named Comanche the only losing survivor of?'"

Methos-(thinking hard, then giving up) "I have no idea."

Amanda-"The battle of Little Big Horn."

Methos-"That horse's name wasn't Comanche, it was Riverwalk."

Amanda-"Well, the card says..."

Methos-"I don't care what the card says. The bloody card wasn't there!"

Duncan-"Oh, and you were, I suppose?"

Methos-(figeting) "Well...no. But I knew someone that knew someone who was!"

Duncan-"Tough. We go by what the card says. So give me the dice." (Methos glares at MacLeod as he hands over the dice)

Duncan-"Science and Nature, Methos."

Methos-(grabbing a card from the box) "All right, all right. Let's see, Science and Nature. 'What is the most popular form of suicide among American males?'"

Duncan-(thinking this over for a moment) "Overdose?"

Methos-(shudders) "No, it's firearms. You'd think they'd come up with something a little less messy."

Richie-"Glad to know not everyone's into decapitation."

Duncan-(glancing at the Watcher) "Joe, what category are you going for?"

Joe-"Entertainment."

Duncan-"'Who played the original 'Charlie's Angels'?'"

Joe-"Kate Jackson, Farrah Fawcett-Majors and Jaclyn Smith."

Duncan-"That's right."

Joe-(grabbing the dice and rolling) "I know my Angels. Let's try History."

Duncan-"'What measurement did Marie Antoinette and Jayne Mansfield share?'"

Joe-"Their bust size?''

Duncan-"Yep."

Amanda-"Oh, puleezzee! Marie Antoinette didn't _have_ a bust. It was all stuffing."

Duncan-"How would you know? Did you know Marie Antoinette, Amanda?"

Amanda-"Well, I wasn't a confidante, or anything. But I did see her around as I was...uhhh...appraising some of her crown jewels."

Methos-(snorting loudly) "Appraising them right off her neck, you mean. At least, when she still _had_ a neck!"

Duncan-(gazing at the man slouched in the chair next to him) "Have another beer, Methos."

Methos-(heading into the kitchen) "Don't mind if I do. Anyone else?" He receives nods from the other men at the table.

Duncan-"'What's the simplest gem in chemical composition?'"

Joe-(uncertainly) "Uh...ruby?"

Duncan-"No, it's..."

Amanda-"Diamond"

Joe-(shaking his head) "Figures you would know that one, Amanda."

Amanda-(grinning like a Cheshire cat) "You know your angels, I know my precious gems."

Richie-"Yeah, and everyone else's, too." (Amanda punches him on the arm)

Joe-"Okay, Richie. Your turn."

Richie-"Entertainment, please."

Joe-"'What movie originated the magic word 'supercalifragilisticexpialidocious'?'"

Richie-"Mary Poppins."

Joe-"Correct. Go again."

Richie-(studying his options) "I think I'll try for a piece of pie. Geography."

Joe-"'What is the only Arab country without a desert?'"

Richie-(grimacing) "I always hated Geography. Without a desert? Um...Kuwait?"

Joe-"Sorry. It's Lebanon."

Methos-"Silly boy, don't you know that?"

Richie-(glaring at the world's oldest man) "Forgive me, I haven't been around long enough to sift every grain of sand, OLD man. Here, Amanda."

Methos-(whispering loudly to Duncan) "Cheeky brat. What _are_ you teaching him, MacLeod?"

Duncan-(using a falsetto voice and playfully batting his eyelashes at his friend) "Don't look at me. He doesn't get that from _me_. That comes from _your_ side of the family!"

Joe couldn't help smiling at the by-play between the two men. MacLeod was learning to hold his own against Methos, but that only made the older immortal happier. He did love sparring with people. Joe returned his attention to the game when Richie gave Amanda her question.

Richie-"'What soft drink first appeared in the Old Corner Drug Store in Waco, Texas, in 1885?'"

Amanda-"Coca-Cola."

Richie-(returning the card to the back of the box) "Dr. Pepper."

Amanda-"Oh, well, I tried."

As Methos rolled the dice, he could be heard quietly singing under his breath. "I'm a Pepper, she's a Pepper, we're a Pepper. Oh, wouldn't you like to be a Pepper, too?"

Two hours and several rounds later, Methos was feeling quite mellow. He only needed one more wedge to complete his 'pie.'

Methos-"Okay, I believe I'll try Entertainment for a wedge."

Amanda-"'Who is Fred Flintstone's best friend?'"

Richie-(words slightly slurring) "Hey, no fair. Why does he get a queshion about shomeone he was prob'ly next door neighbors with?" Richie was also feeling loose from the beer. Ordinarily, he wouldn't get into a verbal sparring match with Methos.

Methos-(ignoring Joe's snort of laughter) "Mr. Slate."

Richie-(blatenly gloating) "BEEP. Wrong anshwer."

Methos-(anticipating a new victim would fall to his sarcastic wit) "How would you know?"

Richie-"Trust me, I know. It's Barney Rubble."

Methos-(knowing the young man was probably right, but unable to resist arguing just for the sake of arguing. He sprawled down even further into his chair) "Mr. Slate."

Richie-(trying to focus bleary eyes on his opponent) "Barney Rubble."

Methos-"Mr. Slate."

Duncan put up a hand up, much like a referee directing the two back into their corners.

Duncan-"Enough. Amanda, what is the answer?"

Amanda-(looking apologetic...not) "Sorry, Methos, Richie's right. It's Barney Rubble."

Methos-(sinking back into his chair with a dramatic sigh) "Ah, well. That's the way the rock quarry crumbles.

Richie-(still gloating) "I'm really shurprised you missed that one. I figured you and Fred woulda been drinkin' buddies."

Methos-"Careful, boy, or I'll sic my pet dinosaur on you."

Richie-"You mean the one that was the great-great-great-grandfather of Dino Flintstone?"

Duncan watched the two of them like a tennis spectator, his head moving back and forth. Finally getting dizzy from the action, he reached up and tried to hold his head still.

Duncan-(after taking several deep breaths) "Methos, can I have my question, please?"

Methos-(looking confused for a second) "Oh, sorry, MacLeod. What area?"

Duncan-"Science and Nature. I think." He looked around the board for his gamepiece, but couldn't remember what color he had started out with.

Joe-(trying to be helpful) "Pink, Mac."

Duncan-"You sure, Joe?"

Joe-(nodding his head, then immediately regretting it) "Absotively postilute." He frowned. That didn't sound right. He tried again. "Postilutely absotive." Yeah, that was it. He smiled, proud of himself.

Duncan-"But I don't see the pink one on the board, Joe."

Richie-"I think you were green, Mac."

Methos- "No, I was green."

Amanda-"No, Methos. You choose blue, remember?" (rubbing a manicured finger along his waistband, and lowering her voice to a husky whisper) "You said you wanted to match your boxer shorts."

Methos thought about that, then unzipped his jeans to check the color. Amanda couldn't resist taking an appreciative peek.

Methos-"You're right, Amanda. I'm blue. Mac's green."

They both stared at MacLeod, who was _slowly_ shaking his head.

Duncan-"Actually, I believe Richie's green. At least, I think that's the color his face is turning."

Richie was already halfway to the bathroom, a hand held over his mouth. The three remaining immortals looked at each other in sympathy. Then Duncan returned his attention to the game board.

"Green, right. Um...I'm on Geography."

Methos dropped the card, then picked it back up. Running a finger down the card, he found the question.

Methos-"Let's see. Geography. Oh, here we go. 'Where can you belt back a firth of scotch on the forth of fifth?'"

Duncan-(blank expression on his face) "Huh?"

Methos-(trying again) "'Where can you scotch a fifth of belt on the firth of forth?'"

Duncan-(scratching his head in bewilderment) "Say that again."

Amanda-(grabbing the card out of Methos' hand) "Oh, honestly. 'Where can you belt back a fifth of scotch on the Firth of Forth?'"

Methos-"That's what I said." Amanda just raised an eyebrow at him.

Duncan-"Where can you belt back a fifth of scotch on the Firth of Forth...Firth of Forth...Firth of Forth. Why does that sound so familiar?" (His eyes go wide) "Oh! Scotland"

Amanda-(nodding) "Finally. Yes, Scotland."

Duncan-(catching Richie just before he sits back down) "Richie, toss me a blue piece of pie, please." This request sent Richie racing back into the bathroom, hand once more over his mouth. Receiving the wedge from Joe, Duncan put it into place on his gamepiece. Rolling the dice again, Duncan moved his gamepiece to the space for Arts and Literature.

Methos-(shoving up the sleeves of his sweater, ready to get down to some serious trivia) "Okay. 'What kind of animal is Dr. Doolittle's Pushmi-Pullyu?'"

Duncan-(squinting his eyes) "Uh...A two-headed Methos...I mean, llama."

Methos stared at MacLeod for a second, not quite sure if Mac was insulting him, or was just drunk. He decided to give the Highlander the benefit of the doubt.

Methos-(doing his best Tony the Tiger imitation) "GGRRREEAATTT! Next category."

Duncan-(looking at where he had landed) "Um...Sports and Leisure."

Methos-"'How many Olympic medals has gymnast Cathy Rigby won?'"

Duncan-(guessing) "Two."

Methos-(shaking his head, then holding up his hand to touch his thumb and forefinger together) "Zero."

Duncan-(shrugging) "Joe's turn."

Joe rolled the dice, just as Richie again returned to the table. Before he could sit down, Methos sent him into the kitchen for another beer. Amanda handed Richie her wineglass as he walked by. When he returned to the table, Joe was still trying to count the spaces his gamepiece was supposed to move. Finally, he landed on Geography.

Duncan-"'What is Kimberley, South Africa, renowned for?'" This question brought a heartfelt sigh from Amanda, which Duncan chuckled at.

Joe-(finally giving in after a few moments) "I have no idea."

Duncan-"Amanda, care ta help Joe out?"

Amanda-(smiling blissfully) "Diamonds."

Joe-(laughing) "Should have know the answer to that just from Amanda's reaction to the question."

Amanda-(sighing again) "Such beautiful diamonds."

Methos-(staring at Amanda's breasts with interest as they heaved with every sigh) "Better watch your girlfriend, MacLeod. Looks like she's ready to have an orgasm without you." Methos watched gleefully as both MacLeod _and_ Richie turned beet red.

Amanda-(turning those bedroom eyes on him) "Methos, you are _so_ wicked."

Methos downed the remainder of the beer he had, then in a heavily accented voice, said to Amanda, "Come with me to my casbah, my sweet." Pulling Amanda up from her chair, the pair proceeded to dance their way around Joe's apartment, Methos murmuring "Dump the Scot, and let me show you how wicked I can be."

Joe-(leaning towards Duncan, and almost falling off his chair) "How many beers has he had?"

Duncan-(not noticing the thickening of his accent) "I'm no' sure. I lost count after the verra first case. For no', let's return to the game. It's Richie's turn."

Joe and Duncan both turned towards Richie, who was sitting in the chair, head back, softly snoring.

Duncan-"Guess Richie's done fer the night. Amanda. Amanda!"

When the two dancing immortals still didn't respond, he picked up a bottle of beer, full and unopened, and hurled it at the pair. Without missing a step, Methos grabbed the bottle in mid-flight, flicked off the top in the direction of Joe's refrigerator, and proceeded to gulp down half the bottle.

Methos-(over his shoulder) "Thanks, MacLeod, I needed that."

Duncan-"So 'appy I could oblige yew, yer lordship. Could ye bring Amanda back over, so we can continue the game? Richie's out cold, so 'tis her turn."

The pair parted (reluctantly) and returned to their seats. Amanda rolled, and landed on Entertainment. Joe squinted at the card, trying to read the question.

Joe-"'What Frank Capra film was about Martha and Abby Brewster, who served eld...elder..elderberry wine laced with poison to lonely old gentlemen?'"

Amanda-(knowing she had no idea what the answer was) "Bad Girls?"

Joe-(reading the back of the card) "Arsenic and Old...(hiccup) Lace."

Methos-(looking perplexed) "I don't recall ever hearing of a movie called 'Arsenic and Old Hiccup Lace.'"

Joe-(trying to glare, only to have his eyes cross on him) "You know what I meant." Hiccup.

Methos snickered and rolled the dice. Landing on Science and Nature, he looked at Amanda and waited for his question.

Amanda-"'What is the most popular beverage in America?'"

Methos-(without missing a beat) "BEER!"

Amanda-"Wrong. Milk."

Methos-"Milk? Milk? Yuck. That card is wrong. The answer is beer!"

Duncan-"The question read the most pop'lar in all America, Methos, not just in _yer_ apartment."

Methos-(assuming a pouting pose) "Bloody fools. Who are the mortals who made up this thing, anyhow?"

Amanda-(patting his arm consolingly) "Now, now, Methos. Don't worry. We'll have the last laugh on those silly mortals. We'll outlive 'em. That'll teach 'em." Methos smiled at this thought.

Duncan picked up the dice and rolled. He landed on History.

Methos-"'What gem did thieves, using a glass cutter and a squeegee, steal from the American Museum of Natural History?'"

Duncan-(his mind trying to remember all the famous gems Amanda had ever mentioned) "The Hope Diamond?"

Methos-"Wrong. It was the Star of India."

Amanda-(screeching like a banshee) "WHAT!" This action caused Joe, Methos and Duncan to hold their heads against the onslaught of pounding that just increased a hundredfold inside their skulls.

She jumped to her feet, her arm catching Richie's chair, tipping it over backwards, crashing the young man to the floor. The eternal teenager lay where he fell, and continued snoring.

Meanwhile, Amanda was working herself up into a royal fit. Grabbing the card from Methos' hand, she read the back, then threw the card to the floor. "Squeegee? Squeegee! I'll have you know that that was one of my best heists. It was planned with precision and pinpoint timing. How dare they accuse me of using a squeegee. I did NO such thing!"

Duncan-(trying quickly to calm Amanda down) "Amanda, sweetings, donna worry so."

Amanda-(pacing) "Don't worry? DON'T WORRY! I'll be the laughingstock of Jewel Thieves International. How can I hold my head up again?" As usual, it was Methos who put things into perspective.

Methos-"Did you get away with the gem, Amanda? Yes? Well, then, I'd say you got the last laugh after all. Does it matter how _they_ say you did it? You know the truth, and _you _have the gem. Enough said."

Amanda-(wiping away her tears, smiled at Methos) "You're right. Who cares what they say. Thanks, Methos. That makes me feel much better."

Duncan-(going back over to resume his seat, murmured under his breath) "Yer right, Methos. Thank yew, Methos. So'ch a lovely thing ta say, Methos."

Methos-(smirking) "Now, now, Highlander. Your green streak is showing."

Duncan didn't answer, just glared at the older man, who was much too relaxed to be concerned with a mere evil glance. Besides, after Kronos' evil eye, anyone else's attempts were laughable. Duncan handed Joe the dice. Joe rolled and moved his gamepiece to Science and Nature.

Duncan-"'Who invented the reflectin' telescope?'"

Joe-"Umm...Isaac Newton?"

Duncan-"Aye." Methos snorted. Duncan glanced at him. "Yes, yew had somethin' ta say, oh Ancient One?"

Methos-"Isaac Newton couldn't have invented a way to get out of a wet paper bag. The man was an idiot. An apple had to hit him on the head before he got the concept of gravity. DUH!"

Duncan-"Nevertheless, that's wha' the card says, sew Joe's correct."

Joe-"Cool." He paused. "Now what?"

Amanda-"Now you roll again, Joe. It's still your turn."

Joe-"Got it."

Duncan-(looking at where Joe's gamepiece landed) "'Who were 'overpaid, oversexed and over 'ere'?'"

Amanda-"And where can I find them?"

Duncan shot Amanda a disgusted look, and totally ignored Methos, who started choking on his beer at Amanda's remark. Amanda just gave Duncan an innocent look.

Amanda-"What?"

Duncan just shook his head. Amanda would never change. Then he smiled. He certainly hoped not! He returned his attention to Joe, promising himself silently that he'd let Amanda 'find' him later.

Duncan-"Joe, do ye kno' the answer?"

Joe-(puzzled) "What answer?"

Duncan-"The answer ta the question."

Joe-"What question?"

Duncan-(hanging his head) "Who were 'overpaid, oversexed and over

'ere'?"

Joe-(giggling) "Oh, _that_ question. American GIs."

Amanda and Methos both stared at Joe. Had the Watcher actually _giggled_? They watched as Joe rolled again.

Duncan-"What age followed the Bronze Age?"

Joe-(looking up through bloodshot eyes, glancing at the three immortals. Then the answer came to him) "The Age of Aquarius?" He appeared crestfallen when Duncan shook his head. Silently, he handed the dice to Amanda.

Joe-"What was the name of Richie Rich's family butler?"

Amanda-"Who's Richie Rich?"

Methos-"I'm surprised you don't already know him, Amanda. His family is only one of the wealthiest in the world. They have gems the size of basketballs, and money to burn. They're so rich, the United States goes to them when it needs a loan."

Amanda-(almost purring, as she ran her hand up and down Methos' thigh) "Oohh, sounds like my kind of family. Do you know them, Methos? Can you introduce me?"

Duncan-"Methos, stop teasing her. Yer going ta get her all excited, then she'll find out tha' Richie Rich an' his family are comic book characters."

Methos-(shifting in his seat, and adjusting his jeans) "Well, getting her excited did have some enjoyable fringe benefits, MacLeod, short-lived though they were."

Duncan-"Can we assume that yew donna know the answer, lass?"

Amanda-(holding her head regally) "Yes, you may assume that, Duncan. (shaking her finger in Methos' face) "And you, Methos, shame on you! Just when I thought I had found the man of my dreams, you had to go and spoil my fun."

Methos-"Sorry about that."

Amanda-"Hmmph."

Joe-"By the way, the answer was Cadbury."

Amanda-(hefting her wine glass, and draining it) "Thank you, Joseph. I'll be sure to remember that." Joe beamed as if she'd just awarded him the Nobel Prize.

Joe-"Anytime, Amanda, anytime."

Amanda handed the dice to Methos. He grabbed her hand, and looked at her straight in the eyes, his own sparkling with devilish merriment.

Methos-"By the way, Amanda, be careful of what body parts you stick in my face. They're liable to get bitten."

Amanda-(intrigued) "Is that a threat, or a promise, Methos?"

He didn't answer, just rolled and landed on Entertainment. The last one he needed to complete his 'pie'. Finally.

Amanda-"According to Abbott and Costello in 1945's The Naughty Nineties, who was the catcher?" Amanda turned the card over to read the answer, then frowned. "This doesn't make sense." She handed the card to Duncan. "I don't understand."

Duncan read the question and the answer. It took a moment before it dawned on him, then he tried to explain it to Methos.

Duncan-"Oh, okay. Abbott and Costello's routine, 'Who's on First'. Yew know the one, Methos. 'I'm not asking ya who's on second. No, who's on first.'" He trailed off, trying to leave the rest to Methos. Methos still looked confused. Duncan tried again. "Who's on first."

Methos-"I don't know."

Joe-(energetically) "THIRD BASE!" Joe jumped up from his chair, knocking the table sideways. Most of the gamepieces slid off the table, and rained down on a still-passed-out Richie. Joe and the three immortals glanced down at Richie, then looked at each other.

Methos stared at the young man laying on the floor, then proceeded to make the pronouncement for all four of them.

Methos-"Richie wins." Then he slouched down in his chair and drained his beer.

THE END


End file.
